Mundane Headlines

She's baaaaaaaaack!

2010-12-19T21:21:00.004-06:00

I hate to break it to everyone out there who is still struggling with 'Grad Student Syndrome' (same symptoms as Stockholm Syndrome) but I have officially graduated. That's right--on Dec. 1 I officially became a real person. That's Dr. Real Person, to you.

Saw That One Coming

2010-03-22T21:29:00.001-05:00

Grad student knew that experiment was going to end in broken glass and tears.

True Story

2009-04-28T15:04:00.003-05:00

So I was walking near a garbage can on my way home yesterday, and I heard a rustling noise coming from inside of the can. As I walked by, a squirrel came FLYING out through the revolving lid and six inches from my stomach nearly giving me a heart attack!

Warning to the Warblers

2009-04-18T07:17:00.005-05:00

Dear Birds Singing Outside of My Window at 4am,

I know it's finally spring and all, but please stop.

Love,

Andrea

P.S. I bet you taste like chicken--and you know how much I like chicken.

Tweet!

2009-03-27T13:46:00.006-05:00

Twitter: Because they had to invent something even dumber than blogging!

"Something Called 'Volcano Monitoring'"

2009-03-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

We obviously shouldn't be wasting money on scientific endeavors like volcano monitoring....

It's Puddle Season!!

2009-03-16T13:26:00.001-05:00

16-miler surprises couple by being a full 16-miles worth of running

At least "spring" portion of "spring break" coming true

Grad student trying to make results not look like complete disaster

Woman can smell herself and really not enjoying it

Remaining Fiber-one cereal relegated to trash after multiple bad experiences

Woman hasn't been this fat since the "obese winter of 2007"

Moveon.org still stalking me

Unsolved Mystery

2009-03-13T13:33:00.012-05:00

Missing Excel 2008 file ("REVISED DATA ANALYSIS.xlsx") last seen while being transferred from computer lab computer to flash drive. Did not show up for work Friday morning. Friend file that nobody cared about was transferred simultaneously and arrived safely. "Recycle Bin" on computer was checked, but no leads were found.

Physical description:

Multitude of color sub-headings

Flawless formulas

Automatic data graphing

Here is an age-enhanced recreation of what REVISED DATA ANALYSIS would look like today:

If you have seen the missing file and/or know why I'm so dumb that I didn't also email it to myself, please call our hotline: 1-800-I-AM-AN-IDIOT ext: IHATEMYLIFE

Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady

2009-03-12T09:03:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I have been neglected you, dear readers. Today will be no different, but I found a new site to entertain you nerds out there:

Two Musketeers

2009-02-24T10:03:00.002-06:00

Today's Discussion Question: Can it really be called an auto sampler if it takes one sample and then jams?

Pandora Radio thinks woman really likes John Mayer for some reason

Number of beers drank on Friday night equal to number of naps taken Saturday

Here's a tip: Don't wait until you've accumulated 600 vials before you start decapping them

Power cord forgotten at home; internet surfing to be kept to a minimum today

Ice Breakers Sours ripping off the top of my mouth--but I don't even care!

Bruegger's worker's attempt at friendliness makes sandwich creation take even longer

How you knew I needed that 3 Musketeers bar right NOW, I will never know!

Robotic Arm Saves the Day!

2009-02-10T16:02:00.001-06:00

Temps hit 40, multiple white Minnesotans spotted wearing nut-hugging short-shorts

DVD player decides to go permanently mute

All scales decide to stop working during lab class. Ghost suspected.

TA not as big of a boob at second meeting of lab

Grad student not sure how to react to sensical data

Runner pretty sure that wouldn't be ice right now had you just shoveled your sidewalk

Robotic-armed autosampler a lab nerd's best friend (also really fun to watch!)

The Lab Sure is Beautiful at Night (You're Really Missing Out)

2009-02-03T02:27:00.001-06:00

Nerd Theorem: You know you're no fun anymore when you stay at the lab later than you stay up when you go out.

Headlines to return as soon as my brain recovers....

Progress is Fleeting

2009-01-30T20:49:00.007-06:00

Summary of today:

Inconsequential Thought of the Day:

2009-01-28T15:24:00.001-06:00

Sometimes a lot of work is necessary just to figure out that you aren't making any progress.

Purpose.

2009-01-25T20:41:00.003-06:00

As Promised (Delirious Fever Addition)

2009-01-21T20:10:00.003-06:00

W. did somehow get elected.

I suspect because he’s connected

So many a hanging Chad

Floridians who can’t add

50 percent of us were certainly dejected

In Iraq W. started a war

But he failed to look at the score

“Mission Accomplished” he said

Then his face turned all red

This wouldn’t have happened with Gore

But this man just wouldn’t go away

Eight years we watched him turn gray

His gaffes were legendary

He even beat John Forbes Kerry

January 20^th we will cease to obey

There once was a man named Bush,

Whose brain, it was basically mush

Back in the Lone Star State,

On his ranch he’ll vegetate

Oh the embarrassment that was George Bush.

Obamicon.me*

2009-01-19T14:23:00.001-06:00

*you can thank me later for all of that time you are going to spend at this site

Big surprise experiments not working

If I hear that liquid nitrogen tank vent one more time, I'm going to lose it (my hearing, that is)

Ghetto analytical balance utilizes clipboard for right-side door

Timer signal to evaluate failed samples

Woman available if you need help breaking anything

Grad student pretends all of those gas tanks she is changing used to blow up balloons for birthday parties

International nightmare of in-articulation to end tomorrow

Hell Freezes Over, Oh Wait...It's Just Minnesota....

2009-01-13T16:23:00.003-06:00

It was -16F (-27C for you Metrics) this morning. I just thought you should know.

I'm wearing two of EVERYTHING.

Walking (Home) In a Winter Wonderland

2009-01-12T15:35:00.003-06:00

Snowshoeing pretty much just walking in the woods, except slower

Runner certainly not wearing reflective vest because it's attractive

26-year-old still unable to use lighter successfully

Keys lost right in front of face twice in one hour

Grad student teaching short course lab she should probably be attending

I don't know what that smell is, but it really needs to stop

Woman grateful for walking commute today

Frost-Bit Fat

2009-01-08T15:31:00.000-06:00

Minnesotans picnic on 25 degree day

Ab "muscles" coming to terms with the fact that they aren't any more

Trader Joe's clementines really letting me down

Misplaced chap stick causes slight dismay

Chocolate craving left in-tact after chocolate-free lunch

Woman even getting bored with the Internet

"Oh."

2009-01-06T16:48:00.002-06:00

Boyfriend: You did something new with your hair.

Me: I washed it!

Boyfriend: Oh.

Little Victories

2009-01-05T14:09:00.000-06:00

2009 has kicked off in a thrilling fashion...

Lesson learned the hard way: toaster needs to be plugged in to toast bread

Airplane lands safely

D-bag going 60 in left lane in a 65

Headache threatens to end Facebook session

Grad student in need of new day planner to not use

Tomatillo salsa to be attempted

Forearm flashed to increase Vitamin D production

Grad student not going to graduate this year either

The Klutz

2008-12-26T22:00:00.001-06:00

I just read "Juggling for the Klutz"

I tried it and must be a total putz.

I dropped and I dropped

Then I finally stopped.

I guess I'm just meant to be a klutz.

Merry Christmas! Kala Xpistouyevva!

2008-12-24T16:37:00.004-06:00

I Suck at Limericks.

2008-12-21T19:16:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure some of these aren't technically limericks, but I really don't care

As I wait on the couch for spring,

I wonder what winter will bring.

From fitness to fatness,

From muscles to flatness.

Go away winter--bring us spring!

I'm even tired of the 'net

Don't mention the awful tv set

There's nothing to do,

I'm bored, yes, it's true

Guess I'll look that up on the 'net

My dishwasher just won't clean,

Won't even get rid of a bean,

There's crap on the pans,

Rather have dish pan hands.

I just want some dishes with sheen!

Our neighbors are kind of asses

Our landlord keeps giving them passes.

They're French, you see

Well, I also like Brie.

But please stop annoying the masses.

My bottle of Shiraz has run dry.

I note this with wary a sigh.

If there could be one more,

Please give me a pour.

But I could always substitute with pie.

The soup that I ate for dinner,

Campbell's keeps making it thinner.

Butternut squash,

While certainly not posh,

Was good enough for my dinner.

I have also written a four stanza long masterpiece about W. but that will have to wait until Jan. 20th for unveiling.

Snowed In!

2008-12-20T19:20:00.000-06:00

(and bored).

I think I make a pretty hot alien.

Our Dreams, and They Are Made Out of Real Things

2008-12-17T17:48:00.001-06:00

Excel Spreadsheets dancing through brain make for fitful sleep (two nights in a row!)

Abundance of M&Ms makes working from home much more fattening than regular work

There are worse things that can fall out of the cupboard and break all over your face and body than vanilla extract

Data continues to be un-reproducible

Minnesotan didn't remember December to be this cold

Headache becoming permanent brain fixture

Woman the common denominator among failed projects she has worked on

After three accidents, woman confirms that glass vials don't bounce

Lab dishes not any more fun than home dishes to do

Wisconsinite getting burned out on cheese

"Series of Tubes" Now Connected to Mac

2008-12-15T10:23:00.013-06:00

I am working from home today due to the extreme cold, ice, and

laziness. Some of you may be aware of my Comcast Internet struggles.

Well, I finally was able to hook up my computer to Comcast's

"series of tubes" this morning (note: I am still tethered to a 6-foot

long cord, however). My struggles reminded me of everyone's favorite

disgraced (soon-to-be-ex)-Senator Ted Stevens and his infamous

words about the complexity of the "series of tubes" that you and I

have come to know as the Internets.

Enjoy!

If you are pressed for time watch the first minute or two and then skip to about 3:40--hilarious!!

Grad School: Because There Are So Many Wheels to Reinvent

2008-12-14T15:06:00.004-06:00

Sorry, I've been really busy lately.

Generally, 'Learning Experience' Synonymous With Breaking Things

2008-12-08T14:50:00.001-06:00

A little 'A Christmas Story' cheer, for you....

"Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

"I'd Buy You Rogaine...When You Start Losing All Your Hair"

2008-12-03T16:36:00.000-06:00

"It wouldn't really be bad out...if it weren't for that wind"

--runner tells herself this every day

Extra layer of adipose attributed to Thanksgiving dressing

Cap'n Crunch cereal retrieved from cleavage

Bug crawling on woman's desk meets untimely death

Grad student's animosity over prelim exam five months away starting to build

Citrus fruit taking over kitchen table

Minnesotan packing on the fat for winter

Grad student may be done with classes if she can find syllabus from class she took in 2004

Floppy disk full after 20 files

Women wins UK lottery (1,000,000 pounds) according to email (lucky day!)

MS down for cleaning, grad student is cleaner

Motorized Q-tip descends woman to near madness

Two red Sweetarts really ruin entire three pack

Grad student in denial about exam tomorrow

Library books renewed to avoid library trip

Papers due next week to be half-assed

Method's non-reproducibility not really a big surprise

Back to Where I Was

2008-11-25T04:35:00.002-06:00

Bug crawling on woman's desk meets untimely death

Grad student's animosity over prelim exam five months away starting to build

Hopefully that crackling noise in my headphones doesn't mean I'm going to be electrocuted

Grad student's one beer evidence of how boring she's gotten

Homemade biscotti really good if you have loose teeth

Grad student gets A+on paper, remembers what success feels like for a brief moment

Tuesday this week's Friday

Finally...an Ann Coulter the world can live with!

I Hope There Was a Prenup

2008-11-24T16:54:00.004-06:00

I am sorry to say, everyone's favorite right-meets-left couple, Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes are breaking up after a long and painful 12-year on-air relationship....

Things I Have Learned as a Graduate Student

2008-11-19T13:00:00.005-06:00

(to be continually updated for the next 1.5 years)

You know, I really have learned a lot over all of these years...

1. Sleeping are showering are overrated

2. You do not have to smell good to be on a conference call

3. Running is a mental health activity

4. Be optimistic: your project will begin working within a single-digit number of hours before a deadline

5. If you are taking classes with undergrads, your paper will be automatically be better (you have been in higher education for double the amount of time they have)

6. Your work will follow you home into your nightmares

7. At least once you will calculate the p-value of your chances of actually graduating

8. Do not plan on using the internet from home to send anything important or anything on a deadline. You will have to drive up and sit in front of the building to use the wireless. Don't say I didn't warn you.

9. Your 401K is a change jar on your fridge. The interest rate on that is VERY low.

10. Your stipend can pay for all of the material possessions you desire, so long as you don't waste any of it on eating, rent, or electricity bills

11. Everything takes longer than you planned. EVERYTHING! There are no exceptions to this!!

12. Load up on free food; you don't know when you will have time/money to eat again.

13. Own enough socks and underwear so that laundry is only essential every three weeks

14. Leisure reading is to be done on the toilet

to be continued...and continued...and continued....

NYC Marathon: Narrative of the Stomach of Death (SOD)

2008-11-13T16:56:00.000-06:00

Let me just preface this post by saying it is entirely in no way at all comparable to my post about Grandma's Marathon this summer. Any attempts at a comparison will leave you sorely disappointed. For this I apologize. But NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING could compare to how painful that was.

I'm pretty sure that running and sh*ting have gone together since the beginning of time. Pheidippides may very well have sh*t himself and then died of embarrassment--I'm fairly certain we'll never know for sure. They may have just pretended it was from exhaustion to let Pheidippedes die with a bit of dignity. There comes a time in every runner's career when he or she will deal with a similar situation. I think that if you don't almost sh*t your pants at least once (not go all the way, however) while you are training for a marathon, then you just aren't ready.

But anyways, from the beginning....

"Blue" bibb marathon camp

There are many interesting things to entertain one before the start of a large marathon. For example: Japanese tourists doing Thai-Chi synchronized to music for a warm-up, 'Team for Kids' members doing jumping jacks, French-men in disposable haz-mat suits frolicking about, seeing how many times one can ration a 3ft. long piece of BYO toilet paper (ahem, about 6).

Starting line, Verazzano Bridge, Staten Island, NY

Certainly the largest contingent in Europeans wearing head-to-toe Spandex I've ever come across. It's kind of unfortunate for all of us that it's tight right there, sir....

Miles .001-2: There's something slightly creepy about middle age men peeing off a bridge just because they can...as thousands of innocents stream by and attempt to avert their eyes

Miles 2-13.1: Brooklyn, NY "Welcome to Brooooouk-lynnn"

Mile 2: 'You're almost done' I hate you.

Mile 3: Onset of the Stomach of Death. This is no ordinary 'I have to go' urge--this is the nausea-rising, chilling in the toilet-room all afternoon feeling. At first you try to deny it; if I just forget about it, maybe it will just smash into itself and wait patiently for another 3.5 hours for me to finish. Please, SOD, go awaaaaaaaaay!

In a race of this length it becomes a balancing act, you see, sugar is an SOD's worst enemy, but your muscles best friend. For some reason denial doesn't work during a marathon...there are so many people around, but yet, you are so so alone in this thing.

Mile 11: I can hang on...maybe...just wait it out until 12

Mile 12: There comes a point when a runner just can't ignore the Stomach of Death any more. There was really no choice at this point--either go in the big blue box or go in my little blue Nike shorts. The line looked manageable at least, and I was second-up. Maybe had that 200-year-old non-English-speaking Japanese man not cut in front of the entire line, this next near-horror could have been averted. When you dive into your little blue plastic box for a bit of privacy you expect it to be on solid ground, or more accurately, flat ground. Well, this runner found herself in a tippy porto. You're in a porto at your most vulnerable and it is rocking back and forth, seemingly going to fall off the curb--is this a joke, I mean, really?!?? The balancing act that ensued would make any surfer proud. At one point, I feared I might go over.

My thoughts at that moment could be summed up into this: 'If this thing tips over how am I going to explain why I didn't finish? How does one tell everyone they were covered by gallons of human excrement?? They will have to take me away and vaccinate me for every disease known to man. Nightmare.' Nightmare narrowly averted. SOD taken care of several minutes later, balancing act successful, excrement bath narrowly averted. Whew. What did I eat? Or more importantly--what ate ME??

Mile 15.9, Middle of Queensboro Bridge, Queens/Manhattan, NY: Oh, there up-ahead, is the 16 mile marker, that means water...I guess I will eat a packet of super-charged snot-textured sugar-maltodextrin goo...oh, water station fake-out grrrrrrrreat! It is possible to gag so hard it feels like someone is stabbing you in the ribs, just in case you were wondering.

Mile 17: Return of SOD Part Deux. Ick.

Mile 25: I begin to hear the crowd erupting in laughter as I approach, before I can check my shorts for stains, I see him--or I should say--his ass cheeks--he is a mulletted man wearing a bright-green Borat thong. Yes, letting (most of) it all hang out. Priceless.

Mile 25.5: Legs start to get tired...damn you, SOD...I could have gone so much faster.

Mile 26.2: DONE!! But now we are being herded like a bunch of stunned cattle and the SOD refuses to wait. The volunteers laugh at me when I ask how far the bathrooms are from here. A quarter mile later, I beg the medical staff to let me use their blue toilet boxes, after contemplating fence-hoping and then walking salmon-style up-stream, I reach it. Each individual's heaven could be a function of the situation they are in at a precise moment...and mine was there waiting, a stable, non-tippy, TP-laden blue box of happiness.

Well, that's about it. See, I told you it wasn't as good (bad) as last time.

All done, wrapped up in fleece coats!

Here are some official pics of number 37001A who finished in 17,375th place with a time of 4:14:26 and who spent 4 minutes stalled in a, ahem, stall....boo...next time, marathon, NEXT TIME you are mine!!

My Research is Out of Gas...Literally

2008-11-12T15:54:00.001-06:00

Me: I made a cake and it's really bad.

Boyfriend: Oh, I'm sure it's not.

(takes bite, almost gags)

Me: See, I wasn't kidding.

Wheat flour ruins good cake recipe in only 60 minutes

Woman definitely should have made the meringues instead

Wrong-way flow meter causes momentary panic

Tomato soup tastes strangely like Spaghetti-Os

Woman sure lost wrench going to turn up right in front of her face

Lost wrench turns up right in front of woman's face an hour later

Finally getting air tank changed hallmark of today's accomplishments

sNOOOOOOOOOOw

2008-11-11T19:12:00.002-06:00

Great quote:
"There are some Southern women who are all 'oh, bless her heart'. Then there are others who are like 'I will cut you'." --lady on MSNBC talking about soon-to-be-ex-NC Senator Elizabeth Dole

--
Liberal displaying unhealthy amounts of optimism for a liberal

Sarah Palin slips back into oblivion, hopefully learns Africa is a continent before next failed political campaign

Viewer wondering what Keith Olbermann will rant about now

Gas slips below $2 a gallon, woman pees self a little

You really need to rake those leaves, buddy

Adult can't stop playing with toy purchased for a one-year-old. Elmo!

Apparently nobody shows up to work on Fridays

First sign of winter: dogs wearing sweaters

Monday mornings and working with razor blades don't mix

Semi-truck parked in front of our building for two weeks really needs to go

Runner pretty sure dog barking, growling, and jumping on a sign of endearment

Watching 'Bigger Loser' so much more entertaining while eating cake

Artificial Mouth From Hell contunues to test patience, draw blood

Grad student to put in undergrad level of effort for group project

YES WE CAN!

2008-11-05T11:38:00.002-06:00

I was looking for an appropriate quote to sum up how I feel about last night (obviously stealing someone else's words is much easier than crafting my own). This is what I'm going to go with....

A message has been sent. We can now become the nation we were meant to be. We will now see ourselves differently, and the world will see us differently, as well.

This is a remarkable and potentially transformative event in our history. John McCain just said that this is a great moment for African Americans. This is half right. It is actually a great moment for all Americans.

--James Zogby

A great moment, indeed.

NYC Marathon recap to follow, sometime in the near future....

Vote Today for Obama!

2008-11-04T05:00:00.000-06:00

If you are voting for McCain, your day to vote it tomorrow.

Joe Bowl '08: The Final

2008-11-03T14:00:00.001-06:00

FINAL GAME

Joe the Plumber vs. Joe McCain
Decision: Joe McCain--the IRS knows where Joe the Plumber lives now! And let's face it...it doesn't look like the other McCain is going to win anything this year!

I'm Running a Marathon Right Now

2008-11-02T09:21:00.000-06:00

I can blog while running...I'm THAT good.

Check it out

Joe the Plumber vs. Joe McCain--Who's it going to be??

2008-11-01T16:00:00.002-05:00

Joe the Plumber putting his best assets forward....

The more youthful McCain probably calling someone a communist.

Joe Bowl '08: Final Four

2008-10-31T13:00:00.001-05:00

Left Bracket Champion

Joe McCain vs. Joe Biden
Decision: Joe McCain--Joe Biden threatens to call 911 because McCain calls him a cry baby; Joe McCain actually calls 911

Right Bracket Champion

Joe Six Pack vs. Joe the Plumber
Decision: Joe the Plumber--Joe Six Pack's head in toilet bowl because he is vomiting, Joe the Plumber's head in toilet bowl because he is working

Joe Bowl '08: Elitest Eight

2008-10-30T13:00:00.001-05:00

Left Bracket

The Volcano vs. Joe McCain
Decision: Joe McCain--have you seen the rage in that guy?! Easily defeats a swirling cesspool of liquefied magma!

Joe Biden vs. "Joey" from Blossom
Decision: Joe Biden--this was an emotional match, but the old man cried it out

Right Bracket

Joe Camel vs. Joe Six Pack
Decision: Joe Six Pack--Definitely the more destructive vise...(car crash and cirrhosis vs. lung cancer)

Joe Scarborough vs. Joe the Plumber
Decision: Joe the Plumber--interviewed many times by Fox News* in Primetime, Scarborough relegated to MSNBC** morning show
*fair and balanced
**in the tank for Obama

Joe Bowl '08: Preliminary Rounds

2008-10-29T13:00:00.002-05:00

Preliminary Rounds:

Left Bracket

Joe vs. The Volcano
Decision: The Volcano, but Joe put up a fight--he is, after all, played by Tom Hanks

Joe McCain vs. G.I. Joe
Decision: Joe McCain--anger runs in the family; G.I. Joe just trying to get money for college

Joe Biden vs. Joey (baby kangaroo)
Decision: Joe Biden. Biden just kept talking until little Joey lulled off to sleep.

"Joey" from Friends vs. "Joey" from Blossom
Decision: "Joey" from Blossom...did you see those biceps in that sleeveless flannel shirt??!! Sorry, Tribiani!

Right Bracket

Joe Camel vs. Cup of Joe
Decision: Joe Camel--the nicotine in those humps is way more addictive than caffeine.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat vs. Joe Six Pack
Decision: Joe Six Pack--face it, a rainbow coat is pretty gay.

Joe Scarborough vs. Joe McCarthy (err...Michelle Bachmann)
Decision: Joe Scarborough--has his own TV show, Joe McCarthy just made one appearance on Hardball one time

Joe the Plumber vs. Joe Schmoe
Decision: Joe the Plumber--Joe Schmoe clogs it, Joe the Plumber unclogs it then flushes tax bill down it

$#*%

2008-10-29T12:45:00.003-05:00

"I think you can tell how your day is going by how many expletives you've said since you work up."

Joe Bowl '08

2008-10-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

You probably noticed that a few prominent Joes were highlighted in my blog yesterday. I got to thinking on my walk home, and well, there really are a lot of Joe's out there. I know what you're thinking: it's about time they fought it out. My thoughts exactly. Here, my friends, is THE OFFICIAL Joe Bowl Bracket for 2008:

Some Joe's who didn't make the cut this year:
Sloppy Joe
Joe Lieberman
Joe Blow
Joe Paterno
Joe's Crab Shack
Joe Rogan
Joe Purdy
Joe Jonas
Joey Ramone
JoJo
Joey Buttafuoco
Joey Mcintyre (NKOTB, yeah, I know you remember)
Joey Bishop

Leave your picks in the comments section below! (Write-ins allowed and encouraged)
Preliminary round winners announced tomorrow!

An 'Average Joe's' Guide to the Joe's of the 2008 Presidential Election

2008-10-27T15:43:00.009-05:00

There have been so many 'Joe's' in the news lately I thought it was about time for a montage of their best moments:

Joe-Six-Pack

[Samual] Joe-the-[unlicensed] Plumber

Joe Biden

Joe McCain

STOP THE JOE MADNESS!!

"I Couldn't Agree with Him More"

2008-10-26T14:12:00.005-05:00

You hate to laugh at a guy's 'senior moment,' but seriously...is he okay?? I'm concerned.

OH-Ring

2008-10-24T20:45:00.002-05:00

Minnesotan copes with first coat-wearing of the season

Grad student feels she doesn't have to do any work until everyone else gets into office

Corner of Washington Ave. and Union St. smells like cookies!

Phlebotomist takes out Friday rage on woman's vein

Lone rider on accordion bus not so sure this is what is meant by "green" transportation

Coffee shop musician disturbingly loud

Tongue epithelial cells finally regenerated after unfortunate scalding chai tea incident

Professor, We Have a Problem!

2008-10-23T13:33:00.003-05:00

"Well, I've never seen THAT red light on before."

--Smart colleague in reference to the PTR-MS's failure to work

Game On!

2008-10-17T15:36:00.001-05:00

Sun glasses on head really not necessary

Mummified squirrel on sidewalk startles woman to near defecation

MPR debate watchers not amused by 22 'Joe The Plumber' references

'Joe The Plumber': the IRS hasn't forgotten about those unpaid taxes! Oops!

Customers witness near rumble over $4 in miss-scanned coupons at Cub Foods

Grad student finally fixes instrument, breaks another part immediately

Tzatziki sauce over-consumption to lead to garlic sweats

Oh YouTube, How I Love Youb

2008-10-15T10:12:00.003-05:00

Not for the easily offended...

"Hey Sarah Palin"

"Her Stupidity Flows"

Also: Article confirms that Dick Cheney does, in fact, actually have a heart

Ready to Rumble

2008-10-14T16:41:00.001-05:00

Cleveland Ave. apparently 'death road' for squirrels

Crabby old neighbor going to kill those darn kids if they keep playing that annoying bean-bag game!

Bundled-up bike riding not really that fun

Line cutters given reprieve after mentioning Wisconsinite status

Snooze button hit a record 6 times this morning

Grad student to rely on highly developed bullsh*ting skills for exam today

Minnesota farmer's market to wave white flag of surrender soon

After 1.5 years, woman notices there is an elevator there

The View From MY House

2008-10-08T13:04:00.002-05:00

My Friends,

I'm sorry...I just couldn't resist posting this.

I will post headlines again soon, I promise!

Bridge To...Laughter

2008-10-06T13:26:00.003-05:00

Two Mini Apples in My Pocket

2008-09-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

Crotchety old man shows up to debate, claims mavrickosity

Debate watcher notes McCain's inability to actually look at Obama

Runner indebted to boyfriend for putting up with her through 20-mile run

Wisconsinite turns on Badger game, jinxes them

First haircut since last disaster haircut looks okay

Movie-goers sneak in own sodas, people sitting next to them sneak in own bag of popcorn

Coffee shop free wireless used minimally for actual work

Weatherman continues to be wrong about weather

Employee left wondering if she did any work today

Gargantuan amount of chili not really going to last all that long

"If You Don't Know Me By Now...You Will Never Never Never Know Me...No You Won't...ooo...ooo...."

2008-09-26T13:22:00.000-05:00

In honor of my 100th post, I thought I would summarize who, according to myself, I really am (at least when talking about myself in the third person, anyway). I also want to add that only a serious nerd would categorize herself in an Excel Spreadsheet.

20-something, flabby 1
20-something, lazy 1
26-year-old 2
addict, soft-pretzel 1
adult 1
albino 1
American 3
American, gluttonous 1
athlete, amateur 1
athlete, novice 2
attendee 1
attendee, conference 1
beach-goer 1
blogger 4
Bourbon St., soberest person on 1
brusher 1
caller 1
chapped lips 1
chocoholic 2
citizen 1
commuter 1
complainer 1
concert-goer 1
consumer 4
consumer, citrus 1
couple 4
customer 2
customer, Comcast 1
cyclist 3
cyclist, amateur 1
daughter 1
Dem 1
drinker, green tea 1
driver 1
driver, bored 1
driver, designated 1
employee 12
exam-taker 1
fan 3
fan, Badger 1
fan, former Saved By the Bell 1
fan, Packer 4
girlfriend 3
grad student 84
grad student, apathetic 1
grad student, stressed 1
Greek dancer, amateur 1
group 4
hair, greasy 1
hair, limp 1
hair, unkempt 1
hater, mustard 1
idiot 1
intellectual, pseudo 1
judge, at-home 1
left ear 1
liberal 5
loser 1
major, science 1
major, soft science 1
maker 1
marathoner 1
Midwesterner 1
Minnesotan 7
Minnesotan, non-native 1
navigator 1
neighbor, cranky 1
nerd 2
new user 1
non-engineer 1
passenger 1
passerby 1
patron, library 1
PC-user 1
pedestrian 1
pessimist 1
Pesto lover 1
presenter, strontium 1
reader 1
regular achiever 2
researcher 1
rider 2
runner 12
runner, lunch-time 1
runner, Minnesota 1
runner, sore-legged 1
Scientist 3
sister 1
skin, dry 1
sleeper 1
spectator, triathlon 1
spring breaker 1
student, least intellectual in class 1
student, PhD. 1
student, professional 1
studier 2
supporter, Obama 1
swimmer 1
TA 9
taxpayer 1
tenant 1
traveler 1
user 1
vacationer 1
victim, fashion 1
viewer 9
viewer, TV 2
visitor 2
walker 2
weight-lifter, amateur 1
wimp 1
witness 1
woman 63
woman, average-size 1
woman, bored 1
woman, cynical 1
woman, directionally challenged 1
woman, disheartened 1
woman, grown 1
woman, gullible 1
woman, local 5
woman, mechanically un-inclined 1
woman, not-smart, nearly-blind
woman, over-whelmed 1
woman, semi lactose intolerant 1
woman, semi-domesticated 1
woman, unfashionable 1
woman, vacationing 1
woman, young 1
worker 1
writer 1

(This took me forever--mainly because I couldn't get the formatting correct. This was, in fact, due to my Mac. If you're keeping track: Mac 9,999 PC: 1)

Are We Getting Closer or Are We Just Getting More Lost?!

2008-09-17T16:03:00.004-05:00

Coffee after 9pm regretted at about 1am

Mass spec lab manager very skillful at ignoring grad student's request for help

Drink really needed by 11am

Presentation for funding sponsor to contain more spin than a program on Fox News

26-year-old already pessimistic about retirement

Free barbecue food really pathetic

Woman day-dreaming about pumpkin bagels

Hill workout unfortunate necessity

Wednesday productivity kept to a minimum

Graduate student to take nap at 4:30pm

Just In: John McCain Helped Create the Blackberry!*

2008-09-16T22:17:00.004-05:00

*You think I'm kidding, right?
If you believe that you might also believe that 'the fundementals of our economy are strong'.
I can't even make up stuff this good, folks.

Alaska is NEXT to Russia, Just in Case You Forgot....

2008-09-12T13:41:00.004-05:00

Listen to John McCain talk about Palin's qualifications (and his own, for that matter):

[From WCSH6 in Maine]

Yikes.

There's Nothing Like a Little Tail Between Your Toes

2008-09-12T12:37:00.004-05:00

I stepped on a squirrel this morning while running.

It was not dressed like this.

Minnesota: Pretty much just a lower quality Wisconsin

2008-09-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

MOST HILARIOUS WIKIPEDIA RIP-OFF (Credit Marge):

Everyone you love to hate, and even some you hate to love

A personal favorite of mine....

Enjoy!

Death welcome at any time after mile 15 on 20-mile run

Packer fans in Minneapolis bar really enjoy themselves

Minimal preparation of TA going to be glaringly obvious

Witness to near squirrel hit-and-run possibly going to need therapy

French classmate can stop looking at woman's minimal cleavage anytime now

Related: Woman ecstatic to learn staring classmate assigned to her group

Candy Coated

2008-09-05T17:06:00.002-05:00

Republicans threaten to take back Washington from selves

Apparently every class grad student willing to take meets on Friday afternoons

Grad student to put off final class until next semester

Woman startled to hear computer typing coming from stall next to hers in restroom

Grad student shocked to acquire possibly legit data

No less than 25 Post-its disposed of during desk cleaning

Floppy disk actually being used

May as Well Take Her to the Mental Institution Right Now

2008-09-03T16:37:00.007-05:00

Jimbo Gets A Hole In One!*

You know, I got a hole in one once, but I don't think miniature golf counts. Way to go, dad!

High school boy who hasn't hit puberty (to running woman): Hey baby, where you going?

Woman: I'll be back in 15 years as a cougar

'World's Fattest Man' special sadly a confidence booster

Sarah Palin The Movie: Miss Congeniality meets Legally Blonde II meets The Beverly Hillbillies

Grad student getting way too old for this class sh*t

Artificial Mouth From Hell (patent pending) leaks water-infused with gum as grad student stands by weeping silently

Apparently grad student TAing class this semester, prof forgets to tell her

Two TAs to juggle FIVE DIFFERENT LABS during the same class period

Beeping noise threatens woman's fragile sanity

Things That Go Bump in the Night

2008-09-01T09:41:00.002-05:00

11-12am: New hipster neighbors gather outside to smoke and chatter*
3-4am: Hipsters again gather outside to smoke and chatter*
5:30am: Baby screaming
7am: Alarm
My Head: BOOM!

*Dear New Hipster Neighbors (who appear to be nocturnal),
I have seen (HEARD) you a lot lately. I like to sleep; I also keep my windows open at night so I don't suffocate because the apartment is so hot. I know you don't have anything else to do besides riding your single-speed bikes and looking for vintage clothing items to add to your wardrobe, but I certainly do. So, in summary, SHUT THE F*CK UP!
Sincerely,
Your Cranky Neighbor

Jump Around

2008-08-30T14:17:00.003-05:00

'Who's he going to pick for the Supreme Court, Judge Judy or Judge Wapner*?'

--me on McComical's VP pick

*note Judge Wapner is Jewish, so I think it's safe to say he's out....

Liberal near-hyperventilates over thought of what could have been had Al Gore won in 2000

DNC goes well, Dem wondering how they are going to get screwed out of this one

Textbook purchased, no word yet on whether or not it will actually be read

Large amount of 'hipsters' seen riding single-speed bikes these days

Run from hell turns into walk from hell turns into hell

Abandoned child's Dora the Explorer bike nearly stolen by desperate exerciser

Woman plays with Mac while everyone else she knows attends Badger football game (not by choice!)

Parents attend pre-game party, box seating, post-game tailgate; daughter suspects beer bongs probably involved

Liberal St. Paul resident to sport Obama running apparel during RNC

Blogger Too Busy Playing With New MacBook to Post

2008-08-27T16:58:00.001-05:00

Grad student succumbs to new distraction

Science major spends 10 minutes trying to find how to spell the word 'succumb'

Grad Student to Start 20th Grade A Week From Tomorrow*^

2008-08-25T16:57:00.002-05:00

*21st if you count kindergarten

^Thanks a lot Jill for reminding me

(Wo)man vs. nuts/bolts 0.5cm from strong magnet and wedged into a tight space
Nuts/bolts removal: Woman: 6 Magnet:0
Nuts/bolts insertion: Woman's bloody knuckles: 0 Magnet: 6

A Vote of Un-confidence
Coworker: Well, if we see a mushroom cloud tonight then we'll know we did it wrong
Me: I'll probably just think it's the State Fair fireworks

Nothing says 'you're mechanically un-inclined' like a mushroom cloud joke!

Eat Fried Stick on a Stick at 'The Great Minnesota Get-Together'

2008-08-21T16:38:00.001-05:00

BEST SPAM SUBJECT:
"msnbc.com: BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson is hermaphrodite. Watch the video."
[I think I'll pass on the video]

SECOND PLACE:
"msnbc.com: BREAKING NEWS: Gays Banned From Owning Pets In New York"
[Related: New Jersey pug population sky-rockets, drag shows added to every rest stop on Turnpike]

THIRD PLACE:
"Angelina's Newborn Twins Marry Each Other"
[Too sick for comment]

--
Liberals ride bikes to farmer's market, feel really good about selves

State fair traffic worst thing for pedestrians/cyclists since the commercialization of the Hummer

Local minor league baseball team pretty much loses after third inning, attendees continue to not watch until eighth inning

Hour-long sales pitch for LC equipment lasts hour and 45 minutes, grad student with no purchasing power not impressed

Rednecks pile into the 'big city' for Minnesota State Fair, forget to leave mullets at home

Hummer driver's inadequacies speculated upon

Remedial cleaning task allows grad student to feel sense of accomplishment for five full minutes

U.S. Continues to Un-dominate in Olympic Running

2008-08-18T14:46:00.001-05:00

Grad student in utter disbelief that prof. decides to have class meet on Friday afternoon 3-5pm

Grad student drops Friday afternoon in favor of any other class in the entire world

Mosquito bite from three weeks ago somehow still itchy

Triathlon spectator needs nap after watching all of those people move around so much

Runner's feet apparently destined to look like hamburger meat

Number of blisters not decreasing with increasing price of new running shoes

Commuter faces day-to-day struggle to keep from exposing 'plumber butt' while riding bike to work

Grad student disappointed no one in the lab to actually see her working

Busted!

2008-08-15T13:35:00.004-05:00

Follow-up note on yesterday's post: the nickel in question is no longer in the computer lab...looks like someone is 5 cents closer to that candy bar...thief!!

--
Grocery bill reaches peaks with couple's current obesity

Amateur cyclist still pulling gnat carcases from eyes next day

Friday productivity planned to start after lunch

Junk food binge to be halted after this cookie, or maybe the next one....

Comcast customer takes renewed interest in sky-high cable bills after several months of apathy

NBC convinces us Michael Phelps pretty much the only athlete to ever accomplish anything

Americans love their Olympics, but they love their porn even more

Second Nature

2008-08-14T15:48:00.002-05:00

Oddest conversation of the day:
Ridiculously honest girl in computer lab: Excuse me, there's a nickel by this computer; do you know whose it is? What should I do with it?
Me: I don't know. It's yours now.
[Girl looks at me like I just stole something]
Me: Or leave it there, I guess. Maybe the owner will come back for it.
Thinking: It's 1/20th of a dollar, hellooooooo....
WOW!

--
NBC Olympic coverage accidentally misses any sports where Americans aren't winning or whining that they lost

Grad student finds actual work detracting from internet time

Foot-long sandwich to cover both breakfast and lunch

'Sandwich artist' thinks 'little bit' of mayo at least half a cup

Afternoon nap existing only in day dream today

Weekend plans include not eating so damn much

Back of hand used as free day planner

Grad student has apparently been volunteered for new prof search committee

Saliva is For Droolers

2008-08-12T15:28:00.001-05:00

President to concentrate on athletic people for three weeks before going back to concentrate on rich ones

Grad student sad library books can not be renewed any more times

Needle nose pliers/foot accident narrowly averted

Communal brownies rich in chocolate and guilt

Bob Costas to continue failed attempts at humor throughout Olympic coverage

Viewer still deciding if stretch pants acceptable for male gymnasts

Story of My Life

2008-08-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

Quote of my life: "Every time you say 'Gary,....' I'm afraid you're going to say something else bad has happened with the project. When you schedule meetings on my calendar if you could indicate that something bad hasn't happened, that would be great."
--My advisor today, with a sigh

Subway 'Sandwich Artist' Has Really Done It This Time....

2008-08-06T14:29:00.003-05:00

Bus possibly never going to arrive

Lurking bug definitely going to bite woman

Mechanically un-inclined woman spends hours trying to connect plastic tubes

Employee trying desperately to forget about Peanut Butter Cup in top drawer

PhD. student trying to remember if she was this un-motivated during Master's

Cleaning gum chewing apparatus pretty much worst punishment cleaner can think of

I hate you, sap chewer

Memory of Previous Week Lost to Brain Fart

2008-08-04T14:15:00.001-05:00

'Mama Mia' movie prompts bouts of spontaneous singing
You Can Dance, You Can Jive...Having the Time of Your Life....

Swimmers pretend river water yellow because of iron deposits

Canoeing reminder of weak arm muscles

Minimal amount of hair found in food at potluck

Albino man obtains color in form of sun burn

Dirty laundry pile taking over bedroom

Sunday motivation peaks during bike ride

Mechanical chewing device design flaw results in melting plastic

Woman to lose USB card with all recent work on it any day now

Grad student hasn't broken PTR-MS yet, but then, hasn't really used it much either

Brain thinking about 12 different things messes up all of them

Cookie consumption directly proportional to anxiety level

Because People Matter

2008-07-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

Machinist doesn't have apparatus done AND has Bill O'Riley playing on radio--TWO STRIKES

Advisor and grad student both agree project is going pretty sh*tty

Woman has slightly unhealthy obsession with Richard Simmons

Opressive humidity good excuse for a nap

Fruit flies drive couple to brink of insanity

Grad student's financial status depends on what definition of "has no money" is

Minnesotan reprimands herself for day-dreaming about fall temperatures

American surprised it took full year investigation to learn Ted Stevens a lying douche-bag

Toby Keith interview reminds viewer why Southerners scare her

Richard Simmons and His Sequins to the Rescue!!!

2008-07-25T14:17:00.000-05:00

Rainbow Foods cashier welcome to stop commenting on couple's food choices at any time now

Super Pretzels to be devoured tonight

Sitting in computer lab really starting to get old

Subway 'sandwich artists' extremely slow at their craft

Long-sleeve shirt worn to combat air-conditioning

Grad student STILL waiting for apparatus that will enable her to break expensive instruments

Scientist scrutinizes fingernails while GC-O sniffing

Grad student only worked two days this week, really doesn't deserve weekend, but not going to do anything anyway

Runner accidentally gets fat again

Library book to actually be used now that it has been recalled

Here I Go Again

2008-07-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

Dream of buying 'Sausage Race' t-shirt comes full circle at Milwaukee International Airport

In-flight chocolate chip cookies promote sugar comma

Humidity too high for good Jersey fist-pumping form

Woman pretends to understand art at MoMA

Diner hopes that's really pork in those dumplings

Wedding bartenders have a hard time mixing a Diet Pepsi and ice

Amateur Greek dancer steps on own toenail with stiletto heel

Atlantic City full of really sad looking old people

75% of salt-water taffy consumed remains stuck in teeth

Soft-serve cones eaten nearly every day on vacation

Jersey mosquitoes feast on Midwesterner's blood

Albino chastised at beach for whiteness

Boardwalk carnival games yield $5 worth of crappy prizes

'The Daily Show' taping really short compared to wait on sidewalk

'Seattle's Best' coffee kiosk in Newark not representing Seattle coffee well

Adult manages to fall off bike while it's not even moving

And then there were nine...toenails

Threshold of page 16 crossed on lit review

Jersey Fist Pump!

2008-07-23T17:53:00.005-05:00

Can you see us in the audience??

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send a Nap on Over....

2008-07-15T14:55:00.001-05:00

Favre continues to jag us around for own enjoyment

Bike repair costs only arm, not both arm and leg as feared

Beach-goers surprised to find lake doesn't even stink

Grad student wonders if attendance at lab BBQ considered to be work

PC user contemplating getting Mac, but still kind of scared of them

Saxophone playing neighbor certainly no Lisa Simpson

Rider wishes camp kids would get the hell off the bus already

Semi truck nearly takes out two trees and street sign while in reverse, lunch breaker extremely amused

Desk with un-natural amount of black hairs not even worst thing about being relegated to computer lab

Girlfriend still refusing to see 'Hellboy' despite glowing reviews

Vacationer to hunt for sea shells AND syringes at Jersey shore this weekend
--
In Jersey until next Wed. Going to see The Daily Show next Tuesday (July 22)!

Bad Day to Leave the House

2008-07-09T15:32:00.000-05:00

Rider breaks new (used) bike on fifth ride

Bike Popo definitely taking their job too seriously

Bike Popo busts cyclists for parking illegally, despite lack of sign or rational thinking

Example of sign NOT present

Pedestrian cries hypocrisy as Bike Popo ride past her on the SIDEWALK

Riding fast on sidewalk actually illegal, last time walker checked

Once computer screen goes white it doesn't come back

Uncle Sam's rebate check comes just in time to fix everything woman keeps breaking

Minnesotans' sprinklers out watering sidewalks in full force

Feels Like Home

2008-07-07T14:20:00.000-05:00

Water balloons not as fun to fill and tie as they are to break

Eat, nap, eat technique mastered over long weekend

Half bag of Baked Cheetos consumed by bored driver

Need to hide stained orange fingers punishment for excessive Cheetos consumption

‘This American Life’ prompts driver to hold urine extra hour

Forgotten garbage taken out immediately upon home arrival, smell not as bad as owner feared

Viewer feels guilty while watching Olympic trials, reiterated the fact she hasn’t exercised in several days

Apartment just not getting cleaned tonight

Grad student not done work in embarrassingly long amount of time

Sleeping on couch only answer to stifling heat in apartment

Post-Katrina New Orleans Somehow Smells Better than Pre-Katrina New Orleans

2008-07-02T16:48:00.001-05:00

Cabbie not showing up for 4am airport pick-up really not as funny as it sounds

McGriddle sandwich purchase regretted immediately after consumption

Luke-warm 'cold' water flows from New Orleans faucets and drinking fountains like running water

Two-hour committee meeting results in conclusion that nothing was accomplished

Crab-claws in boiling hot gumbo only feasible to eat if willing to risk 3rd degree burns

Nerd conference parties confirm nerds inability to handle alcohol

Middle-aged men just not supposed to be dancing like that

Blisters result in in-appropriate conference footwear

Nerd competition's extensive length leads to early departure to hotel bar

Grad student really getting tired of hearing 'how to land your first job' seminars

Asses of police horses extensively photographed

Roommate's snoring leads to pillow chuck-age

Full intact strawberry (stem included) in pool of vomit met with extreme curiosity

21-year-old expresses shock over how old 26 is, 26-year-old not amused by that little brat

Word of the week: moobs

Beads promised for sight of said moobs

'Hand Grenade' drink pretty much the least healthy thing a person can put into body

Soberest person on Bourbon Street really getting kind of bored

Service at Krystal burger at 2am not exactly top notch

Ridiculous amount of sh*tty hors d'oeuvres consumed at several receptions

Conference attendee remembers scientific program only after leaving

Flying Saucer

2008-06-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

Woman continually getting screwed out of nice bikes by other Craigslist patrons!

Arm workout contemplated to halt shrinking muscles, watching TV just so much less effort

First run after marathon surprisingly not that painful

Nine non-black toenails ready to start training for New York City marathon

Local woman not sure if self-esteem helped or hurt by cat-calls from pizza delivery man and train engineer

Living room air conditioner really not making bedroom any cooler

Grad student feels proud of herself for almost making progress on project

Vitamin consumption up during rush to eat produce prior to week long trip

Marathoner wonders why she paid $85 to run from point A to point B for full 26.2 miles

2008-06-23T11:58:00.001-05:00

Diary of Marathon day thoughts.
[Warning: may contain explicit language]

3:50am Alarm:
F*ck.
4:00am:
Must…eat…2 packets of oatmeal…never eaten this much at one time before, stuff mush in, stuff it in….
Need some caffeine, start not for dreadful 3.5 hours
5:30am school bus ride to start:
I’m going to get carsick--how long is this bus ride???
Should not have eaten milk-containing products.
This is reiterating how far we really have to go. This is not good.
6:10 am:
I’ve never seen this many port-o-poties in my life, and yet, I am still waiting in line for 20 minutes…
Ummm what are people doing in there????
They should have a line for liquid release only, seriously.
6:45am:
Bored…no one to talk to…eating brown banana in a parking lot…mmm mmm mmmmm.
Great time, awesome.
7:20am:
[F-18 flyover] Pretty easy to do 26.2 miles when you’re going 500mph, huh boys…
Not that impressed, marathon start apparently not even worthy of after-burners.
This is Uncle Sam’s money you’re burning up, let’s go all out….
7:23am:
America, U rah rah. Feeling pretty patriotic after all of that, let’s get this show on the road
Standing in a crowd of 6,000 waiting to be let set free, feeling a little bit like cattle, don’t really like people that close to me.
7:30am:
[START] We’re movin’…
I didn’t hear even hear the gun.
Sh*t…why am I doing this again?
Everyone looks so fit and ready to go.
Can I get back on the bus??
Mile 1:
Feeling good, 9-minute miles, maybe I can hold this pace until 15 or 20 when I self-destruct.
Maybe I won’t get that far.
Great self-confidence, Andrea, nice.
Mile 3:
Gotta pee slightly. It will get reabsorbed, no worries.
Sports drink with no sugar at aid shops…awesome choice, guys, thanks.
I’m really watching my carbs WHILE I’M RUNNING A F*CKING MARATHON
Mile 4:
That is THE most tan, only short-shorts wearing, nearly naked man in his 60’s I’ve even seen, also the most sweaty…must stay back, don’t want any of that sort of shower. The sweat is beading off of him like rain on a windshield.
Mile 5:
Spectator who yells “You’re almost there” pretty much just a huge dick-wad
Mile 6:
Just an easy 20-miler to go, just coast it on in now…. It’s like a warm-up before doing your longest run.
Just got passed by two men dressed in full foam beer bottle costumes.
Wow, I really suck, but at least I’m not as sweaty as they are
Mile 7:
Just a friendly reminder that even though you’re running a marathon, you’re still fat…this message brought to you by your chafing shorts.
ALREADY!!!
Putting ice cubes into your sports bra—BEST IDEA EVER!!!
Mile 8:
Is that a baby-toe blister in the making? This is going to be BAD
Mile 9:
Fish burping courtesy of the Omega-3 taken with pre-race breakfast to fend off inflammation and keep everything in working order.
So much for paying extra for the “no fish burp” ones, thanks Target.
Mile 10-12:
What sort of fish does it taste like? I think I’m going to go with Cod.
Are there knives in my sock or did that blister just explode?
My entire baby toe may have just hemorrhaged. Ow. Ow. Ow.
My toe feels like its leaking out of my shoe.
This is soooooooooo glamorous.
Mile 13.1:
ONLY half-way…seriously!
Hit 'split' on watch so you can see how much you self-destruct in the second half.
[Huge sign says '500 ft to drop out'] Great, I have to run 500 more feet to even drop out.
Mile 13.2:
I’m already walking; this is NOT cool.
['Come on, green shirt'] Oh no, someone just pitty cheered me. I could tell. Maybe there’s someone else around with a green shirt, no, it’s just me. This is SO embarrassing
Eat brought-alongs from pocket, pretend this walking is some form of ‘strategery’
Mile 13.3:
Do not look directly AT the drop-out vehicle or it will magnetically draw you in.
Wait, why is watch not moving—hit 'stop' instead of 'split'. IDIOT.
VASELINE! I thought you had no purpose on earth until this moment.
Note to self: Begin use of Thigh-master upon arrival at home
Mile 14:
At least I don’t look as bad as that guy. Oh wait, actually I look worse.
Mile 16:
I’m clinically insane. I can not legally be held responsible for anything that I do from this point on.
Mile 17:
Brain: Eat the gel. Swallow. Swallow. Swallow. Don’t gag. I repeat: Do NOT gag.
Mouth: Easy for you to say…you don’t have to eat something with the consistency of snot.
Mile 18:
Just gotta make it to 23…my 'pacer' boyfriend will be there. One more mile until aid stop.
Do not think about how bad you look/smell right now.
Just run for 5 minutes and then you can walk
Mile 19:
I didn’t know there was a muscle there and I didn’t know that it could cramp, but yes, it IS cramping. Involuntary muscle contractions, great, only 7 miles to go . Only contract when I want you to, dammit!
Mile 19.9:
There’s the 20-mile clock up ahead ticking away…at least jog over it
Mile 20:
10K to go! 20 mile warm-up for the slowest 10K I’ll ever run/walk/crawl.
My pacer is early. I would love you even if I didn’t already love you, darling.
Gatorade, YES!!!!!!!!!!! Give me SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!

Mile 22.1:

(sign says 'only 4.1 miles to go')
Mile 22.5:
Dumbest marathon moment: Jumping up off the ground to high high-five a drunk frat boy and getting a calf cramp while in mid-air, landing, barely continuing to run for ten more feet and then stopping to walk. Priceless.
Mile 23:
Gotta jog…people I know up ahead, can’t be seen totally walking and looking horrible. Smile.
Mile 24:
[No coherent thoughts]
Mile 25:
Last aid stop, you can do this. Wait, no one said there were any more hills....
Mile 25.9 (unmarked):
I can do anything I set my mind to…Except continue running. Must walk.
Mile 26:
There’s too many people. Must start running again, don’t want to look like loser walking it in.
Mile 26.2:
Do not puke. Smile. Want to eat all of that good-looking food but just can't handle it right now.

Post-run ice bath in Lake Superior.
Look, Mom!! The same metal they gave 6,000 other people!

That wasn’t so bad. When can I do it again…say New York City, Nov. 2?

--
In case you were wondering, I finished in 4:21:49 (chip time), just shy of the 4:21:36 I ran at the Philly marathon last year. I can’t believe I actually finished and am walking fine today considering that I spent the last six weeks on the injured reserve list and only ran over 6 miles twice in the last five weeks…thus resulting in a lack of sufficient fitness to do a marathon….
This is NOT a recommended training strategy!

Older Sister Turns 30, Younger Sister Still a Youthful 25

2008-06-22T16:18:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday, Jen!!

[Dirty Narco] Grandma's Marathon

2008-06-20T10:46:00.003-05:00

Make a List of Your Dreams: 1. A Nap

2008-06-18T09:56:00.003-05:00

Open windows prompt early party departure during storm

‘WWJD?’--Not cut me off like that, minivan!

Employee content on leaving early forgets to blog

Cilantro plant finally pulled from life support, burial carried out via Rubbermaid

Sugar-free gum STILL sticky despite lack of sugar

Multiple types of ‘goo removers’ to be tested in highly unscientific fashion

Carrot cake successfully makes woman feel really fat

Grad student feels shunned by people who actually shower

Sleeper finds it easier to continue to sleep than actually get up

Viewer finally believes ‘anything is possible’ after Kevin Garnett yells it following Celtics victory in NBA finals

Friggatriskaidekaphobia

2008-06-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

Today pretty much really lame

Landlord to raise rent in two months, tenants try to convince themselves they’re not too lazy to find another place

Holes in ceiling above desk with pipes hanging out slightly dismaying

Young woman’s hopes dashed as gum’s ability to stick to EVERYTHING is confirmed

Grad student’s quiet desperation for money leads her to disgusting sensory panel on nutritional beverages

Bringing hairy back

Summer Doom is in Bloom

2008-06-11T15:21:00.001-05:00

Fly suffers excruciating death in drying Nalgene bottle overnight, owner also slightly dies inside

Tight capri pants deter excessive chocolate consumption

Apathetic grad student figures if lab phone rings long enough caller will just hang up

Cancelled art class leaves woman to continue wondering how bad she sucks at artistic endeavors

Employee only two years behind in discovering YouTube for procrastination

Library patron finds renewal much less effort than return

Plastic cutlery collection limited in spoon specimens

Mass Spec pre-broken for new user to save time

The Art of Creativity

2008-06-10T13:10:00.002-05:00

A person isn't just born with creative imagination like mine, these skills must be honed over a long time period. They can be stifled by structure and scientific journals.

Broken in All the Wrong Places

2008-06-06T15:31:00.001-05:00

Driver of ghetto ice cream truck definitely not going to serve me anything if I can help it

Complete set of teeth apparently not required for job as Walmart cashier

Tree leaves sticky surprise on Altima for owner

Viewers embarrassed for Hillary Swank after watching 'P.S. I Love You' movie

Camping trip cancelled because tents can't even stand up to tornadoes as well as trailer parks

Inferior s'mores to be made in microwave

Six mile per hour jogging into 40-mile per hour wind gusts results in quitting

Employee refuses to fight Friday afternoon apathy and goes home early

June weather regressing back into March

‘I Got a Crush on Obama…’

2008-06-05T14:25:00.004-05:00

Inferior banana bunch bought solely for witty sticker

Cyclist runs over unlucky rabbit’s foot during commute

$2 lottery investment nets $1 jackpot

Fake tree loses leaves during dumpster rescue

Rachael Ray still really annoying

Grad student takes 45 minute coffee break, pretends it was only 15

Literature review only up to as many pages as advisor thought it was several months ago

Impending storm to be used as excuse to go home early

Lack of productivity blamed on a lot of things, but probably pretty much due to laziness

Finally!

2008-06-04T14:45:00.004-05:00

So my blog is finally back up again! I'm so happy...AND...I got into the NYC marathon via the lottery (which is nearly impossible. Sorry, Mom!), AND I'm making taco salad for dinner. I'm also stopping to buy a lottery ticket on the way home (bike will probably get stolen while in the gas station).

So what do you think...should I move my site to Wordpress? I think this one looks better, but I don't want what happened last time to happen again!

Check it out: http://mundaneheadlines.wordpress.com

In Case You Missed It

2008-06-04T13:30:00.000-05:00

for those of you who have been wondering where I was for the last few weeks...

http://bringbackmundaneheadlines.blogspot.com

The Plan, Stan

2008-05-16T13:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's torture:

syttende mai run
Find more Runs in Madison, Wisconsin

Just Brushed Clean Feeling

2008-05-15T16:20:00.001-05:00

Journal articles taken home in unlikely event of motivation surge

Alfalfa sprouts consumed despite threat of diarrhea

Photocopying butt at deserted library copy machine extremely tempting

Library windows tinted so patrons don’t know the nice day they are missing

University sprinklers continue to water sidewalks in hopes of growth

Coworker asks inept employee to do one simple task
Related: Murphy’s Law mandates GC-MS go haywire with touch of one button

Say I Am You

2008-05-14T15:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Scientific Books,
Please get to the point.
Love,
All Readers, everywhere
--
Blisters impact choice of footwear

Cyclist going embarrassingly slow

Grad student gears up for written prelims through rigorous metal resting exercises

Employee finds productivity reduced when food around

Grad student unable to produce successful ANOVA despite multitude of statistics courses