Goals for the Week (with Revisions)

The Toilet Was So Clogged, It Was Like a Diseased Artery on Vytorin

Badger fan refuses Cheddar in protest of basketball loss to Davidson

Undercooked burger zapped in microwave in hopes of staving off foodborne illness

Snowman reduced to one ball in 40 degree weather

Price of salon trip worth it just for 1 minute head massage

Bag of spinach disappears somewhere between check-out and home refrigerator

Viewer finds some portions of 'Clerks' extremely disturbing but keeps watching regardless

Cleaning reveals couple's apartment actually pretty nice

Girl Scout Cookies: the most delicious saturated fat you can buy for $3.50

Grad student proud of minimal work completed over weekend

Blogger Pretty Sure You’re Slacking Off Too

Woman and messy kitchen mutually avoiding each other

Presentation bores both audience and presenters alike

Containers pulled from lab fridge dated 1972 apparently missed by last 35 spring cleanings

Sun shining through window cruel reminder for woman stuck inside

Grad student feels day-old pizza tastes so much better because it’s free

Woman with no will power fairly certain 2 lb bag of Jelly Bellys on ‘communal’ table just not a good idea

Black cloud of work hanging obligatorily over grad student's head as weekend arrives

‘Oh, Inverted World’

Week drags on for fourth day in a row

Group falls well short of brain capacity necessary to finish project questions

Woman eats chocolate cake in order to stave off madness

‘Fitness Water’ makes woman feel fit while just sitting around

Regular-achiever feels Powerpoint presentation more than sufficient

Employee's lunch less tasty when eaten at desk

American not quite smart enough to complete Greek homework

Walk to bus stop most interesting part of grad student's day

Professor makes no sense for 1.5 solid hours

Enthusiasm for class reaches all-time low

Maple Brown Sugar with Pecans Highly Recommended

Greasy hair desperate for shower

Hair in drinking fountain makes it difficult to fill up water bottle without gagging

Grad student relieved to find machine-shop-man too busy to care she didn’t finish collecting needed info

Three standard Post-it notes needed to hold woman’s entire ‘to do’ list

Grad student eats ‘Instant Multigrain Hot Cereal’ (not oatmeal, mind you) for breakfast and lunch

Meeting at coffee shop the only silver-lining about group project

UPS man misses woman again on second drop-off attempt

Breathe In, Breathe out. Repeat. Continue Until Hyperventilating.

Last episode of Arrested Development leaves viewer wondering if she’ll ever laugh again

Girlfriend not exactly pleased boyfriend consumed last 1/2 pound of leftover Easter ham

Woman on carb binge consumes cinnamon and sugar toast out of desperation

TV viewer feels bad no one cares about NCAA women's basketball tournament, then turns channel

30 minutes of 'The Bachelor' lowers woman's IQ by at least 30 points

Grad student relieved to find what she was looking for, even if it was in front of someone else’s face the entire time

Employee annoyed by meeting she forgot to put on Outlook calendar

Literature search yields literature grad student doesn’t really want to read

American Airlines cheap fares e-newsletter painful reminder that Minnesotan not going anywhere anytime soon

Minnesota Map

Grad student hasn't had to go to class in so long she forgot how awful it really is

Non-engineer ecstatic she didn't get the lowest grade in the class on exam

Group meeting proof that three dumb heads not a replacement for one smart one

TV really getting in the way of couple's home productivity

Today is World Tuberculosis Day! Don't Forget to Celebrate by Spreading Tuberculosis!

Two naps keep woman from normal 10:30 bedtime

Grown woman didn’t get out of her pajamas yesterday

Marc Summers definitely peaked as host of ‘Double Dare’

Madness sets in after hearing Paula Deen’s voice for more than 30 seconds by accident

RAZR phone rebounds after dropping incident

TA thinks printing lab reports in ‘landscape’ is pretty careless, even by undergrad standards

Presentation slides look obviously made at the last minute

Clipart cookie advertises irony of Nutrition and Dietetics club bake sale

Grad student hopes someone in her group knows what project actually about

Tan spring-breakers really stick out after snow storm

Grab It Like a Skill Crane, Baby!

Friday night in front of television leaves something to be desired

Runner's brain rages against people who don't shovel their sidewalks for 16 straight miles

Trip to Target possibly highlight of weekend

If snowman were human, he would definitely have a learning disability

Sunday afternoon drive starts and ends in boredom

Scalloped potatoes not as good as mom used to make, partially because woman had to make them herself

Woman makes dinner, man forced to clean up

TV viewer's choice between Dateline and Big Brother really a losing proposition

Iron Chef America captivating even without that guy doing back-flips

Last six weeks of the semester going to be painful for grad student (and everyone who has to deal with her!)

Spring Trying to Decide if Winter is Over or Not

Hummer driver obviously way too cool to yield to nerdy pedestrian

Start of final DVD of ‘Arrested Development’ invokes sadness in viewer

Woman in need of complex carbs disappointed by lack of sweet potatoes at grocery store

Abs workout even more painful after week of laziness

Snow storm on second day of spring not really as funny as it sounds

Wet snow best washing Altima has had in months

Employee's foot asleep, the rest of her body wishes it was too

Grad student makes another empty promise to herself about getting something done

Woman well on her way to getting her 5-a-day

Back Ta Dis….

Grad student can no longer avoid email reminders about project due next week

TA welcomed back by lab reports awaiting grades

Taxpayer not getting refund feels like you at least owe her lunch with yours

Cynical woman pretty sure two grand she owes Uncle Sam going to be used to bomb someone

Brain apologizing profusely to body for yesterday’s junk food binge, stomach obviously still very pissed off

'American Idol' definitely not as funny as 'Bulgarian Idol'

Grocery list essentially includes everything

Beautiful day slightly marred by rumors of impending snow storm

Five days of doing nothing really zapped grad student’s motivation

NCAA bracket filled out pretty much randomly

Woman really doesn’t care about NCAA tournament this year

Yep, the Griswolds Are Back

Late night falafel pretty much the best thing ever tasted at that second

Number of Starbucks spotted in Toronto really starting to get ridiculous

Airport boredom leads to junk-food over-consumption

Gluttonous American relieved to find free refills again upon return to U.S.

Passenger secretly blames pilot for turbulence

Man blamed for McFlurry disappearance upon woman's return from restroom

In-flight magazine way too boring to be read anywhere else but in-flight

$450 flight apparently not expensive enough to warrant receiving entire can of Diet Pepsi

Only lasting souvenir brought home from trip the need to loosen belt buckle one notch

Women's luggage always seems like the last to come out on the carousel

Only mass transit waiting to pick up couple from airport

Time of night correlated with smelliness of riders of Number 16 bus

Using home toilet just like seeing an old friend again

Possible dehydration death of basil plant saddens pesto lover

Oh Canada, You Silly Canadian Goose!

Spring Breaker goes wild, has two drinks in one night

CN Tower observation deck allows visitors to see for themselves how empty Canada really is

Some Canadians as dumb as most Americans

Consumption of cupcake just leaves woman feeling fat, not fat and happy like she had hoped

Navigator fed up with this crappy map

Canadian nap much more satisfying than American nap

St. Patty's day pretty much means nothing to non-Irish woman

Canadian people on cell phones on the bus just as annoying as American people on cell phones on the bus

Visitor thinks Canadian dogs definitely dressed better than typical American dogs

Chapped lip cries out for attention by bleeding

Vacationing woman purchases record number of over-priced coffee drinks

Canada really lacking Target stores

Out and ‘aboot’ in Canada-land

Giant Snoopy in front of ‘Larry Craig’ bathroom at MSP airport makes situation even more comical

Larry Craig probably still pretending to not be gay

American shocked to find out they have 'the internets' in Canada too

Toronto pretty much like Chicago except with Canadian people

Traveler sees for herself that dollar can’t buy sh*t anymore

Visitor pretty sure attempts to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel as fake as moon landing

Many rainbows seen at Niagara Falls and not just because Canada is so accepting

Woman returns to scene where older sister got lip stuck to Popsicle 15 years ago

Canada: America on the Metric system

Liberal making good on her promise to move to Canada, but only for four days

Compulsively early woman annoyed at own tardiness

Limp hair proof that 'volumizing conditioner' just not working like it said it would

Grad student en route to wild spring break destination of Toronto, Canada

Toronto actually South of Twin Cities making it a viable ‘spring break’ destination

Frequent Flier miles really great until you actually try to use them

Woman gets more un-tan in preparation for trip to Canada

Blogger gone until next week, reader could care less

‘You've really got a knack for being bored’

Satisfaction of finishing paper balanced out by how crappy it really is

High school French teacher would be happy to know French learned 8 years ago not completely purged from brain, really interfering with ability to learn new language

Meat-like chunks in soup conformed by label to be chicken, consumer still doubtful

Novice athlete’s biceps pathetically small, even for a woman

'The Bachelor' to return next week with a new tool

Worker certainly not using copier for personal use

Woman doesn’t feel like she spends too much time in the bathroom any more

Left ear nearly ripped off in headphone-computer attachment mishap

Boycott of Texas grapefruit in works after discovery of rotten one by woman craving grapefruit

Lazy twenty-something contemplates throwing away Gladware just so she doesn’t have to clean it

Finally Woken

Clean dishes apparently too much to ask from dishwasher

Viewer feels bad thinking the Daily Show was more funny during the writer’s strike

Insomnia cured by 10 minutes of subtitled movie on Independent Film Channel

Recipients don’t respond to mass email en masse

Woman didn’t learn from yesterday’s turtle cake gut-rot, definitely learned from today’s

TA doesn’t think ‘This is busy work’ is a suitable conclusion in lab report, deducts points

TA pretty sure grading lab reports is busy work, but not going to write it on an assignment

Google Books definitely blocking out the pages grad student needs on purpose

Sighting of high school letter-jacket that says ‘Class of 2010’ makes grad student feel really old

Consumer doesn't feel as bad about destroying her teeth with phosphoric acid when drinking Diet Coke Plus

Liquid Water Outside! You Better Look Before it Freezes Again!

Lab meeting reminds grad student of other students’ productivity

Turtle cake consumption leads to napping fantasies

Temperatures approach 40°F, Minnesota runner nearly suffers heat stroke

Exposed forearm increases Vitamin D synthesis 1000% from previous 120 days

Mid-March signs of spring possibly just a cruel joke

Deodorant goes unappreciated until forgotten

Woman surprised to find out Super-Computing Institute literally has super-sized computers

Gophers build small football stadium to keep number of people who can see how bad they are to a minimum

Nerd's creativity stifled by grad school

Woman tries anchovies on pizza, realizes why nobody actually orders it

Daylight Savings time makes getting out of bed even harder

Professional student wonders if peacoat too professional for her current line of work

Employee changes desktop background every Monday to add excitement to her life

Average-size woman getting sick and tired of always seeing skinny people on the cover of Runner’s World

TA grading lab reports wondering what she did to deserve this punishment

Local woman with split-ends putting off haircut due to well-substantiated fear of Great Clips

Squirrels mating on windowsill outside totally just using each other

Third squirrel joins in, co-workers laugh awkwardly

Paper due on Friday not progressing well because it's only Monday

Grad student immature enough to find this entertaining

Genevieve Gauckler

In like a Lion

Woman wonders if male roommate physically unable to change toilet paper roll

TurboTax reminds grad student of current state of poverty

Brusher squeezes toothpaste from the top of the tube--get over it already!

Dry skin really crying out for moisturizer

Runner's face frozen for first 6 miles, was able to communicate through grunts in final 6

'Boot game' really not a good idea for anyone over the age of 23

Designated driver hopes everyone notices her yawning

Soft-pretzel addict hits rock bottom at German bar

Polka-dancing with heels on induces undesirable shin splint

Obsessive viewing of 'Arrested Development' Season 2 grinds home productivity to a halt

Directionally-challenged woman gets East and West confused, ends up in Eagan

Even votive candle section of Ikea overwhelming

…And the World Spins Madly On….

Foreign language class makes woman realize that she’s not very good at English either

Grad student’s new project replaces feelings of un-fulfillment with ones of panic

Grad student convinces social conscience that chewing gum project will change the world

Fan hopes Brett Favre will resume acting career after dazzling performance in ‘There’s Something About Mary’

‘Easy’ 4-miler definitely not as easy at 0°F

Promise of Thai food good enough reason to get through the day

‘City Search’ names every restaurant in city ‘Best of City Search’

Sudoku puzzle brings excitement to 2 hour class

Regular-achiever’s grade really being brought down by over-achievers

Google search completely lets researcher down this time

Nalgene bottle might cause cancer, definitely causes proper-hydration

Local woman figures out garbage should have been taken out before work 8 hours too late

House plants failure to thrive indicative of need for Miracle Grow

Useless fact under Snapple lid not impressing consumer

Woman really wishes today would just be over already

Up-tempo classical music invokes mild panic attack

Customer fairly certain cable company employee lying during price negotiations

Caller develops mildly bad attitude while discussing cable bill rip-off with cable company employee

Grad student tutored by Wikipedia for exam

Woman pretends to be annoyed by forwards, but really thinks those kittens are cute

Studier consumes massive amount of calories out of sheer boredom

Exam-taker wishes she hadn't just pretended to read those articles

Least intelligent student in class studied hard but still ended up 'winging it'

'Soft science' major unable to hang with engi-nerds on exam, definitely brings down curve

Ridiculous amount of seeds really ruins grapefruit eating experience for citrus consumer

Disheartened woman left wondering if pants shrunk or butt grew

Ολυμπιακός Fans Cry into their Baklava

Excitement building over anticipated weekend trip to Ikea

Loser gets teary while watching 'Biggest Loser' weigh-in

Grad student too lazy to wear make-up for the sixth month in a row

GPS watch constant reminder of how painfully slow woman runs

Lunch-time runner feels sorry for co-workers who have to see her afterwards

Rider slightly dismayed at sight of bus driver drinking pills from prescription bottle

Liberal thinks John McCain really Dick Cheney with new haircut and liposuction

2” of snow just enough to be pain in the ass

Grad student annoyed at herself for taking hard class

Stressed grad student wishes alcohol at work weren’t so taboo

Irony of fall on ice in front of ‘Packer bar’ not lost on fan

Semi-lactose intolerant woman really regretting that ice cream

Number 4, No More :( *

*first and last use of emoticon—I swear


Packer fan to honor Favre by retiring cheesehead
Feeling in most of fan’s toes has returned since attending December Packer game

Number of crying male rednecks peaks today

Minnesota resident can hear entire state of Wisconsin sobbing from here

Favre sets record for largest number of devastated overweight fans

Northerners love Favre, but not many other Southerners

Most fans hoped Favre would retire only after receiving AARP card

Packer fan wants to hit Giants fan boyfriend more than usual today


(Mundane news to return tomorrow...this is soooo much more important, obviously)

Dut dut a duh…Monday

After nice weekend, Minnesotan ups standard for ‘warm’ from 20 to 30F

Grad student mad at herself for over-sleeping, but still really enjoyed it

TA starts to grade lab reports but then remembers she doesn’t give a sh*t

Obama supporter wonders if Hillary will ‘jump the shark’ for good tomorrow

Another Chiquita banana sticker added to desk-top collection

Semi-domesticated woman disappointed by boyfriend’s comparison of her carrot soup to feces

Contact lens really starting to piss off near-sighted woman

Journal articles sadly not going to read themselves

Microsoft Office 2007 really just annoying everybody

Saturday, Fatterday

Runner's quads really angry with her after long run

Non-native Minnesotan pretty sure they call 'Minnesota nice' passive aggressiveness in other states

Viewer has own existential crisis while watching 'I Heart Huckabees'

Packer fan still crying inside over Giants game disaster

Watching local news basically a waste of time

Pseudo-intellectual sorry, but sometimes NPR is just boring

Art museum much easier to leave after 15 minutes when it's free

Chia herb garden sometimes neglected because it needs to be watered so damn much

Wimp attempts to pump up weak arms using over-priced infomercial exercise program

Flabby twenty-something definitely never going to have six pack

Grad student pretty sure parents think grad school is taking way too long

Family day at gym turns novice athlete off to both having a family and going to the gym