Marathoner wonders why she paid $85 to run from point A to point B for full 26.2 miles

Diary of Marathon day thoughts.
[Warning: may contain explicit language]

3:50am Alarm:
F*ck.
4:00am:
Must…eat…2 packets of oatmeal…never eaten this much at one time before, stuff mush in, stuff it in….
Need some caffeine, start not for dreadful 3.5 hours
5:30am school bus ride to start:
I’m going to get carsick--how long is this bus ride???
Should not have eaten milk-containing products.
This is reiterating how far we really have to go. This is not good.
6:10 am:
I’ve never seen this many port-o-poties in my life, and yet, I am still waiting in line for 20 minutes…
Ummm what are people doing in there????
They should have a line for liquid release only, seriously.
6:45am:
Bored…no one to talk to…eating brown banana in a parking lot…mmm mmm mmmmm.
Great time, awesome.
7:20am:
[F-18 flyover] Pretty easy to do 26.2 miles when you’re going 500mph, huh boys…
Not that impressed, marathon start apparently not even worthy of after-burners.
This is Uncle Sam’s money you’re burning up, let’s go all out….
7:23am:
America, U rah rah. Feeling pretty patriotic after all of that, let’s get this show on the road
Standing in a crowd of 6,000 waiting to be let set free, feeling a little bit like cattle, don’t really like people that close to me.
7:30am:
[START] We’re movin’…
I didn’t hear even hear the gun.
Sh*t…why am I doing this again?
Everyone looks so fit and ready to go.
Can I get back on the bus??
Mile 1:
Feeling good, 9-minute miles, maybe I can hold this pace until 15 or 20 when I self-destruct.
Maybe I won’t get that far.
Great self-confidence, Andrea, nice.
Mile 3:
Gotta pee slightly. It will get reabsorbed, no worries.
Sports drink with no sugar at aid shops…awesome choice, guys, thanks.
I’m really watching my carbs WHILE I’M RUNNING A F*CKING MARATHON
Mile 4:
That is THE most tan, only short-shorts wearing, nearly naked man in his 60’s I’ve even seen, also the most sweaty…must stay back, don’t want any of that sort of shower. The sweat is beading off of him like rain on a windshield.
Mile 5:
Spectator who yells “You’re almost there” pretty much just a huge dick-wad
Mile 6:
Just an easy 20-miler to go, just coast it on in now…. It’s like a warm-up before doing your longest run.
Just got passed by two men dressed in full foam beer bottle costumes.
Wow, I really suck, but at least I’m not as sweaty as they are
Mile 7:
Just a friendly reminder that even though you’re running a marathon, you’re still fat…this message brought to you by your chafing shorts.
ALREADY!!!
Putting ice cubes into your sports bra—BEST IDEA EVER!!!
Mile 8:
Is that a baby-toe blister in the making? This is going to be BAD
Mile 9:
Fish burping courtesy of the Omega-3 taken with pre-race breakfast to fend off inflammation and keep everything in working order.
So much for paying extra for the “no fish burp” ones, thanks Target.
Mile 10-12:
What sort of fish does it taste like? I think I’m going to go with Cod.
Are there knives in my sock or did that blister just explode?
My entire baby toe may have just hemorrhaged. Ow. Ow. Ow.
My toe feels like its leaking out of my shoe.
This is soooooooooo glamorous.
Mile 13.1:
ONLY half-way…seriously!
Hit 'split' on watch so you can see how much you self-destruct in the second half.
[Huge sign says '500 ft to drop out'] Great, I have to run 500 more feet to even drop out.
Mile 13.2:
I’m already walking; this is NOT cool.
['Come on, green shirt'] Oh no, someone just pitty cheered me. I could tell. Maybe there’s someone else around with a green shirt, no, it’s just me. This is SO embarrassing
Eat brought-alongs from pocket, pretend this walking is some form of ‘strategery’
Mile 13.3:
Do not look directly AT the drop-out vehicle or it will magnetically draw you in.
Wait, why is watch not moving—hit 'stop' instead of 'split'. IDIOT.
VASELINE! I thought you had no purpose on earth until this moment.
Note to self: Begin use of Thigh-master upon arrival at home
Mile 14:
At least I don’t look as bad as that guy. Oh wait, actually I look worse.
Mile 16:
I’m clinically insane. I can not legally be held responsible for anything that I do from this point on.
Mile 17:
Brain: Eat the gel. Swallow. Swallow. Swallow. Don’t gag. I repeat: Do NOT gag.
Mouth: Easy for you to say…you don’t have to eat something with the consistency of snot.
Mile 18:
Just gotta make it to 23…my 'pacer' boyfriend will be there. One more mile until aid stop.
Do not think about how bad you look/smell right now.
Just run for 5 minutes and then you can walk
Mile 19:
I didn’t know there was a muscle there and I didn’t know that it could cramp, but yes, it IS cramping. Involuntary muscle contractions, great, only 7 miles to go . Only contract when I want you to, dammit!
Mile 19.9:
There’s the 20-mile clock up ahead ticking away…at least jog over it
Mile 20:
10K to go! 20 mile warm-up for the slowest 10K I’ll ever run/walk/crawl.
My pacer is early. I would love you even if I didn’t already love you, darling.
Gatorade, YES!!!!!!!!!!! Give me SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!

Mile 22.1:

(sign says 'only 4.1 miles to go')
Mile 22.5:
Dumbest marathon moment: Jumping up off the ground to high high-five a drunk frat boy and getting a calf cramp while in mid-air, landing, barely continuing to run for ten more feet and then stopping to walk. Priceless.
Mile 23:
Gotta jog…people I know up ahead, can’t be seen totally walking and looking horrible. Smile.
Mile 24:
[No coherent thoughts]
Mile 25:
Last aid stop, you can do this. Wait, no one said there were any more hills....
Mile 25.9 (unmarked):
I can do anything I set my mind to…Except continue running. Must walk.
Mile 26:
There’s too many people. Must start running again, don’t want to look like loser walking it in.
Mile 26.2:
Do not puke. Smile. Want to eat all of that good-looking food but just can't handle it right now.

Post-run ice bath in Lake Superior.
Look, Mom!! The same metal they gave 6,000 other people!

That wasn’t so bad. When can I do it again…say New York City, Nov. 2?

--
In case you were wondering, I finished in 4:21:49 (chip time), just shy of the 4:21:36 I ran at the Philly marathon last year. I can’t believe I actually finished and am walking fine today considering that I spent the last six weeks on the injured reserve list and only ran over 6 miles twice in the last five weeks…thus resulting in a lack of sufficient fitness to do a marathon….
This is NOT a recommended training strategy!