Any Given Thursday...Oh Wait, It's Only Wednesday

Airlines probably wouldn’t be going bankrupt if they stopped sending woman credit card offers three times per week

Girlfriend laments that boyfriend wouldn’t have missed plane if she were there

Clean laundry waiting patiently for two days on couch to be put away

Woman can’t believe baby in apartment above hers isn’t old enough to stop crying yet

Primal urge to nap overtakes promise of free beer and pizza

Honorary Gripe:
Best Buy accountant extremely annoyed when coworkers take elevator to second floor without having any physical disabilities

Two Weeks, Boo Weeks

Woman turns down buffet, still wondering if she’s sick or something

Worms on sidewalk stressful for walker

Passer-by notices attendees of ‘Horse Expo’ often resemble horses themselves

Drink mix stuck on bottom of water bottle really affecting consumer’s enjoyment

Customer finds trying summery clothes on at the mall does not make it warmer outside

DSW haven for shoe-addicted women and the men who get dragged along

Running 7mph into 30mph wind really not all that appealing

Home computer shuts itself off every 15 minutes, user wondering if there’s a problem

Paper progressing at disappointingly slow rate because writer doesn't give a sh*t

Making PowerPoint presentation contingent on maker figuring out what strontium isotope abundance ratios actually are

New Kind of Cool

Yeast in 'Easter Bread' grow out-of-control, loaf the size of small child pulled from oven

Boyfriend's tolerance of Tiger Balm smell really starting to wane

Mint Mojito gum missing key alcoholic element of Mint Mojito

Coffee breakers relegated to small table by people actually studying

Clementines too cute to eat only three at a time

Only 'Red' part of 'Red Delicious' appears to be true of apples

School spirit advertised on over-priced umbrella

Slaktivism

Woman possibly having better day than smashed worms on the sidewalk

Sneezing prompts additional hand-washing

Grad student never going to see advisor now that he's department head

Grad student misses part of coffee break because she is doing actual work

Weekend 'to do' list already beginning to form

M&Ms purchased from vending machine last ten minutes, guilt lasts all day

Kimwipes not really suitable substitute for Kleenex

(In Related News) Nose nearly ripped off during blowing

Online lecture broadens opportunities for distractions far beyond that of regular lectures

Runner does not recommend sugar-free pudding prior to run unless diapers plan to be worn

Rash of compliments from Southerners almost makes Blogger feel bad about making fun of them so much

Woman's 'Greek Easter Bread' likely to be insulting to actual Greeks

‘Alright Already, We’ll all float on….’

Much more eating done at Relay for Life than actual relaying

Grad student hopeful discarded apple core will grow into fruit bearing tree by the time she graduates

Newt Gingrich spied in an ad about global warming...laughter ensues

Even skin hurts after 20-miler

‘It Could Happen to You’ only Nicholas Cage movie woman will tolerate (okay, maybe ‘City of Angels’ too)

Citizen happy Pennsylvania primary tomorrow so she can stop hearing about it already!

Grad student testy about free food…chicken fingers?! Is that as good as free food organizers can do??

Woman on conference call, but really not listening

Sore-legged runner wishes you would carry her down the stairs

Cilantro plant only at 30th percentile for height but at 100th percentile for brown leaves

Diet Coke Lime offers all the taste of regular Diet Coke with even more artificial flavors

All Jazzed Up and Nowhere to Go

Underwear on inside out, but woman probably not going to do anything about it

Necessity of registering for next semester reminds grad student that there will be a next semester

Apple and orange from lunch pushed aside for cake

Anticipation of another rejection letter for scholarships reaching all-time high

Minnesotan confused by wet precipitation that’s not snow

Computer being so damn slow today

Complainer complains to self about magnitude of own complaining

Hide and Seek

Reading about raw milk really about as gross as drinking it

Presentation slides not coming together quickly due to severe apathy

Sales woman clearly put off by grad student’s lack of purchasing power

Great tasting free lunch would only be mediocre if paid for

Small amount of cleavage showing covered up upon entering ChemE building

Static electricity making unkempt hair look even worse

Extra time between classes not being used productively

Brighter Than Sunshine

Less tears during ‘Biggest Loser’ finale than anticipated

Group assigned worst of three possible topics for presentation

Woman’s grouchiness not subsiding like she had hoped

Weather forcast mostly sunny with a good chance of woman sitting at her desk all day

Runner wonders if other runners are supposed to be working too

‘Brown-Eyed Girl’ probably not written about you, you know

Free cake deliciously free

Grad student really wondering if she should have enrolled in online ‘University of Phoenix’ instead

Drop a Line My Way

Lab meeting gets off to a slow start…and finish

Woman runs out of green tea, really feeling the lack of antioxidants

Minnesotan exposes calf muscles to outside air on run for first time this season

Wind apparently blowing in every direction except the one from which runner is coming

Goat cheese so much more delicious than name implies

Woman pretends salad for lunch makes up for all the crap she ate yesterday

Group’s motto ‘Fast, wrong answers’ really taken to heart for homework due today

Panic! At the Lab

Advisor neglects to mention quarterly report due today until TODAY


"would you like fries with that?"
(practicing, just in case I don't make it in astronaut training)

Χρόνια Πολλά Στελάκι Μου! Σ’αγαπω!

Chive and Onion cream cheese disguises mold a little bit too well

Point of 'Lost in Translation' really lost on viewer despite movie being in English

Bored woman 'Googling' self reminded of her suckage at high school sports
(I'm pretty sure he made up those quotes!)

Women's alter egos include prosecutor, author, power yoga instructor in Germany

Boyfriend obviously lying when he says birthday cake looks good

Being lazy really gets tiring for woman

Two Hours of Life Lost to the Miss U.S.A. Pageant*

*very difficult to admit

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Rob Schneider unquestionably the least credible judge at Miss U.S.A. pageant

Donny and Marie's incestuous flirting really detracting from pageant's seriousness

At home judge docks contestant for outtie belly button

Pageant contestants exhibit talent for finding sluttiest, ugliest evening gown

Final questions address serious topics such as make-up advertising and tv watching

First-runner-up gives winner insincere hug

Miss U.S.A. pageant really one high-healed step back for women's rights

Those Cucumber Eyes

Grad student’s dream comes true, 8:30am Friday class cancelled!

Not-smart nearly blind woman picks day with crazy rain/snow/ice to wear glasses

Guest lecturer really seems like a jerk

Temperatures dip below acceptable for April

Free popcorn taken from lab perhaps overly optimistically

Employee really wishes copy machine had attachment for books—get on that one, Xerox, seriously

Woman wonders if anyone actually likes Mariah Carey anymore

And the Future is…Electric Youth!

‘World News Tonight’ pretty much focusing just on worthless American news

Grad student with below-average intelligence taking abnormal amount of time to get ChemE homework done

Zinc drops may prevent colds but pretty much taste like ass

Much of woman’s success in life can be attributed to Google

Snooze button hit three times, same person on NPR still talking

Amassed Tupperware containers not getting taken home tonight

Grad student launches official Post-it Note countdown until end of semester

Scientific Proof!

We scientists oftentimes like to make graphs. Usually they only serve to confuse people. While I can't definitively link my sarcasm development with my increasing levels of schooling (R2 value not quite good enough for publishing), there is a trend toward increased cynicism over time. Again, this is only personal data based on one replication of my life.

String Ensemble for Slackers

Grad student always needs to carry biggest book in library across campus

Blister filled with fluid, not happiness

Redundant jokes by instructor on exercise video really getting old

Couple’s mailbox always filled with useless coupons for Bed, Bath & Beyond

Farm raised salmon: wild salmon for poor people

Memphis vs. Kansas, which team do you care about less?

‘Celebs Without Makeup’ feature makes average woman feel more secure

Grad student getting really good at finding references, needs to work on actually using them

As time left in semester approaches zero, number of assignments in ChemE class approaches ridiculous

Grad student imposes self-punishment for unproductivity by banishing self to classical music station

Grad student motto: ‘A reference not online is a reference not used’

Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays….

Even the Internet boring woman today

TA can’t remember how to do calculations for lab she is grading

Reason leftovers left over becomes obvious at lunch

Amount of learning done in lab very small

Woman malnourished for chocolate today

Unfashionable woman hoped pants tucked into boots fad would be over by now

Don't Tase Me, Bro

Lost band aid found in inopportune place

Superior's procrastination really annoying when it involves work on a Saturday morning

Runner hopes calories burned on long run come straight from her 'muffin tops'

Minnesotans' flip-flops out in full force in 60-degree weather

Amount of exposed white legs seen at Target alarming

Couple annoyed by people in express lane with more than 10 items

Woman stuffs herself while dining out, pretty sure she should feel bad about it

No big surprise grad student is scholarship non-recipient

If you don't tear up, Women's Entertainment Television has not done its job

Trip to Cub Foods sure to result in unnecessary spending

It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood…Please Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Progress Report: Goals for the Week

1. Be more positive/Try not to be too negative

2. Get some writing done/Look like I am working

3. Read articles for class/Print articles, hole-punch, pretend to read

4. Run scheduled miles/Run miles and eat copious amounts of chocolate perilous to waist-line*

5. Read more/Catch up on magazines gathering dust

*not achieved to satisfaction due to stomach problems

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Couple making out on bus really grossing out everybody, welcome to stop at any time

Stomach issue not conducive to sitting in class for 2.5 hours

Debate closer really ends with a whimper

Employee's self-established "extra sloppy dress" Friday really easy for her to achieve

Mass consumption of fruits and vegetables planned at lunch to off-set pastry binge

Weather almost warm enough to damage ass on hard bike seat

My haircut on somebody else

Blogger Not Going to Sugar-Coat Stomach Distress

Runner believes almost sh*tting your pants at least once crucial to marathon training

Electrolytes leave woman’s body at an unhealthy rate

Sleeping arm unable to hold up water glass, soaks bed and half-asleep victim

Woman saved from non-stop-talker by delivery man

Small whimper heard as citizen sends off tax bill

Stomach refuses to stop gargling despite soup and bland food consumption

Scientist concludes Thursday definitely feels longer than all other days

Productivity Bottoms Out as Week Hits Wednesday

Quote of the Day:
“I don’t know how she missed this….Was she in the training program?

—hair dresser on my messed-up haircut (and NO, she was not in the training program)

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Grad student feels like she is stalking the machine-shop guy

Uncoordinated woman not at all good at standing on bus

Hair picked off fleece most productive thing done during class

No big surprise Prius turning into Whole Foods parking lot

Woman always picks grocery cart with bum wheel without fail

Number of scenes of grown men crying on ‘Biggest Loser’ really getting ridiculous

Grad students swarm to unhealthy free lunch

Gullible Woman Sets Reminder on Outlook Calendar for April Fools Day to Avoid Getting Tricked

Woman actually used to be good at some things, now just really sucks at everything

Runner covered in snow resembles a (pretty good-looking) snow-woman after blizzard run

Minnesotan wouldn't mind snow storm if it were only December

Healthy Choice not fooling anyone by calling that stuff chicken

Woman with fear of haircuts makes appointment to get uneven haircut fixed, b*tchy tone of receptionist really not appreciated

Journal articles about saliva making reader’s mouth water

Grad student thrilled to be able to count remaining engineering lectures on two hands